On Loving Awareness — What Does it Mean Anyway?
My first experience with unconditional love was like a bullet of light beaming from Ram Dass’s bright blue eyes like laser beams. It was my second Open Your Heart in Paradise (OYIP) retreat on Maui in 2014, the first in 2012. The retreat was for five days on the island where participants swam in the ocean, meditated, practiced yoga and chi dong, chanted and listened to talks from various Buddhist teachers blended with kirtan — Hindu chanting. It was like a camp for adults with the love of Satsang, and the bhakti energy vibrated along with the electricity of Mother Maui.
Ram Dass, 82 at the time, was talking to the group about his Jewish mother, who had passed quite some years earlier, but there still seemed to be some unresolved feelings or that he even missed her. I don’t remember the specifics, and all I knew was I wanted to tell him that I understood, as I too had a Jewish mother, and although it was intense at times, they loved us. Plus, he had grown up in the same town my father had, and I wanted to bond over that too.
He was in the dining room of the retreat’s restaurant, overlooking the ocean, fresh air breezing in, confined to his wheelchair at the table, and I had my little speech all worked out in my head. I crouched down to his level and looked right into his eyes. I started to say, “I have a Jewish mother too…” I stopped, and it only didn’t matter what I said next. His open blue eyes penetrated my eyes down into my heart like a rocket shot of love. The only words I needed to say in that moment of deep connection was, “I love you.” And he touched my hand gently and said, “I love you too.” It was so powerful I couldn’t take it anymore, and I ran away with tears flowing uncontrollably. I knew love but never like this. While I felt the love throughout the week, this sealed it for me like peanut butter and jelly, stuck together always. He was my beloved teacher, my Baba forever.
I only knew Ram Dass after he had been stroked, as he called it and was blessed to spend three more times with him on retreat and one time while on vacation to swim with him in the waves of the pacific ocean. His teachings permeated me between visits, from listening to his early recordings, along with his many books and films about his path and life.
It is so challenging to put into words what he has done for me and what doors he has opened for me. It’s like he was my therapist without sitting on his couch. He had an answer for everything, and if he didn’t, his guru Maharaji-Ji would “show up” as a prankster, making me pay closer attention and not take it all so seriously. Having your heart blown open and feeling the Universe’s energy and spirit is accessible if you know how to get there and if your eyes and senses stay open. The fear has to be defeated, and surrender to the conspiring Universe can be the only way to see all the messages. This is the practice; this is the choice. To live in one’s fear and self-judgment day after day or to be open to trust and vulnerability. Countless teachers had reassured me this truth beginning in 2002 when I started my real spiritual journey, but none like Ram Dass and Maharaji-Ji. Once my heart was opened to receive, many signs of the Divine showed up since then and now. Whether I’m feeling moments of joy or sadness, if I am open, the messages are there, and I am deeply grateful.
“You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don’t have to do anything to earn it. Your shortcomings, your lack of self-esteem, physical perfection, or social and economic success — none of that matters. No one can take this love away from you, and it will always be here.”
— Ram Dass
On the morning of Ram Dass’s passing, I went to the Insight Meditation Center near my house. The meditation sit was for 25 min, followed by a dharma talk. For some reason, the only mantra that possessed my mind that morning was, “I am loving awareness.” Although this was Ram Dass’s “go-to” meditation phrase, I often struggled with its meaning. Fittingly, as if the dharma teacher, Gil Fronsdale, heard me, his talk was on Metta and loving-kindness.
Gil shared the story from the Metta Sutta text about loving-kindness, one of the tenets of Buddhism. The story of monks meditating under trees during the rainy season upset the tree deities by invading their space, so they harassed them until the monks left. The monks went back to Buddha and asked what they should do, and of course, he told them to go back and meditate, but instead of focusing on themselves, radiate the feeling of love to their surroundings.
While the mindful prayer extends to others, it starts with oneself. Similarly, putting on your oxygen mask before helping others is the only way you can survive. The West frowns upon altruism and yet criticizes people for being selfish. If only our culture could see that if we take care of our minds and souls, all will benefit. If we protect ourselves by practicing mindfulness, we can extend patience, kindness, happiness, security, and discover a path of peace that will allow for others to follow. Imagine a society where we care about one another rather than societal’s pressure to succeed materially.
Loving-awareness is stripping away of our egos and going from who we think we are to who we really are. We are all the same soul with desires for the same love, peace, joy, and abundance. This is how meditation helps us get to our souls.
Later that evening, I spoke with my 98-year-old Grandmother, who loves to recall her life lessons from her Jewish grandfather. She had no idea that I was on the loving awareness trip, and she shared the Jewish teaching of chesed, which is means love between people, basically the attribute of loving-kindness. I knew chesed as a Jewish value, but the fact that she brought it up to me was quite auspicious.
While I fluctuate between being melancholy, grieving, and gratitude that I recently saw my beloved teacher one last time a few weeks ago, it’s as if my devotion has become stronger. Although he left his body, I can truly feel the spirit of him and his teachings. Why is it that when someone departs this plane, we can feel their lessons or talents so much stronger?
Ram Dass challenged the societal norms and helped to shape not only the hippies of his generation but for all ages that followed. In the film, Becoming Nobody, he shares his knowledge that dying is safe and like taking off a tight shoe. Well, Baba, I’m glad you took off the tight shoe, and you are soaring free with your soul pod still in our hearts and minds forever. I will look forward to feeling your love in subtle ways as I will keep my heart open for you and Maharaji-ji’s messages. I will light a candle on my puja, meditate with you every day and continue to Be Here Now.
I am loving-awareness. I am loving-awareness. I am loving-awareness.
